Learn More About Alternate Mind States in Dissociative Identity Disorder With Music and Fourier Transforms

When I first noticed a glitch in the space time continuum, I was in Jr High school.
I went to class early one morning. No one was there yet so I sat on the steps outside the classroom. I waited for what seemed like 5 minutes before going in to take my seat. The teacher was there, packing books into her bag.

“‘Bout time you showed up.” She said.  I thought she was joking because I was obviously still too early as no one else was there.

I felt the room spin. By the look on the teacher’s face I began to understand that the reason no one was in the classroom was because everyone had gone home for the day. Somehow an entire day had passed by and I had no idea where I had spent it. As far as I knew I was only waiting on the steps for five minutes. If I had been there the whole day someone would have said something. I must have gone somewhere, but I don’t know where. That time was just gone.

I thought it was odd, but really I didn’t give the missing time that much thought. I didn’t think it was any big deal; I thought it probably happened to everyone. It was normal. It made me feel stupid, but it wasn’t so unusual.

It got more dramatic as I got older. I ran away from a foster home once, disappearing in a cloud of road dust and waking up a month later living in the top bunk of a camper in Albuquerque. I couldn’t figure out where I was or who I was so I just faded into the black of my mind space and didn’t reappear until somehow I was in my hometown again a year ? Or some time later.Right before I went into therapy I was in the hospital, recovering from severe depression. I was almost catatonic I guess, I couldn’t move. A nurse brought a radio in and put it beside my bed. The sound from it didn’t make sense but it drew me towards it. After a time I reached out and touched it. I kept my hand on the radio for hours as if linked to a life line. After a day or so I was able to get up with assistance and go into the day room. I remember trying to make sense of the “moving noise”on the screen of the television. It didn’t mean anything to me and unlike the radio and music, the TV noise was uncomfortable. 

Let’s fast forward now to the year 1990.

After a history of suicide attempts,  I had been told that I had, what they called, at that time, Multiple Personality Disorder. I didn’t believe it. I thought it was stupid to think such a thing and that they were just making things up. I fought the diagnosis for quite a long time, but by 1990, when my last baby was born, I could not deny that I had a problem more serious that depression because when someone stopped me on the sidewalk to compliment my new baby, I could not remember being pregnant. For a very stressful afternoon I was terrified that I didn’t come by the baby I adored, honestly. (Even though I did, and have a whole pregnancy and family to account for her.)

 I decided to give Diepold, Jr. from Moorestown, NJ, a chance to show me why he thought I had the thing called MPD.

Later on I worked with Elaine Predergast Paulson, also from NJ, who I continue to learn from to this day. She is a true treasure and a wealth of wisdom. One of the most valuable lessons she taught me was how to be present in my body with all of my senses. She literally helped me learn to make sense of of my life and to appreciate my body for the amazing instrument that it is. I am barely at the beginning of learning what this body/brain can do.

But before we go there, let’s go back to 1990, to Dr Diepold’s office.

He built on my strengths first. He helped me find the strong parts of myself and to my surprise, there were parts of me that loved physics! I had no idea!

I had four kids. I’d go home and sit on the landing and read college physics books to them as if I were reading some book of great poetry or a great adventure. They listened fora little while just because I was dramatic. That is when I fell in love with Fourier Transforms.

The equations were so elegant. They were beautiful. And a part of me knew that they had something important to say about the way my brain worked.

At that time, whenever I “switched” from one mind state to another, I felt a hard fluttering” in my eyes. I don’t usually feel that anymore. There is more fluidity, more open communication, more integration, which is the natural state of a functioning brain. But when a brain is highly stressed and has to compartmentalize, what computations have to made to scoot all the data here and there? And what keeps it there and makes it easy to find again in a similar set of circumstances?

There were years, for example, that I couldn’t go into a grocery store on the meat side of the store. I avoided it. I could shop the vegetable isles, but if I saw blood I’d have a panic attack. Yet, somehow, I cooked for my kids. So who went shopping? How did dinner get on the table? I don’t know. How did my brain scoot all that data around to allow a part of me to buy meat and cook it without another part of me knowing about it?

I don’t need to figure it all out.

I need to do my best to be the best mother and grandmother I can be NOW which is no easy feat. And the ONLY way to do that is be myself. And that is something I am still learning to do.

Meanwhile, I have a lot of things I’m curious about and Fourier Transforms, especially how they are being used in music therapy are one of them. Specifically, do our brains have a FT like function when we switch from one mind state to another?  And if so, can we use sound to facilitate switching and integration?

Now, while I say a part of me seemed to enjoy physics that does not mean that I know anything about the topic except that it makes good material for my poetry and it keeps me up at night wondering about the beauty of the world we live in.

Music and sound is one thing that seems extremely interesting to me, but I am no expert! I need someone out there to take up the baton.

The first time I went to  Dr Diepold’s office he asked me what it would feel like to be be well and I sat on the edge of the sofa and told him that it would feel like I was “real in my belly.” I remember the feeling I had when I was about 8. We had gone to a symphony performance at the local university and as my class was filing into our row the orchestra started to warm up. I felt the music fill my body. I felt real in my belly. I felt as if my head and body belonged together. I have been trying to feel that way again, ever since.

I have other questions about music and healing and the brain. I’ll save those for later.

There are articles I would like to post on the topic. I’ll need to get permission to publish the links here. Meanwhile, I encourage you to look with me into healing with sound using FT and let’s see what we can drum up!

Some Mountains Dance

I woke up ready for yoga. I reminded myself that I am the mountain.

That was all well and good from the waist up. I couldn’t get to my feet. Not yet. So with mantras playing and oxygen concentrator keeping time I began from point zero: the side of the bed.

Hands in prayer position. Breathe. Pray. Sing.

The prayer came to life. It filled my heart. I kept my eyes closed and let it move towards God. Hands in prayer position at first, reaching up, up.

I wanted it to be a yoga pose and tried to make it so. I kept my arms close to my ears and kept shoulders relaxed, but it hurt. I’ve had so much pain in my arms lately. So I let go of the pose but not the prayer. The mantra kept my arms moving in beautiful little spirals, forward and to the sides of my body, slowly, like leaves, floating and falling from a tree.

Soon my entire upper body was involved in the dance, stretching in every direction, gratitude flowing outward, while my heart stayed open and receptive to grace.

I realized that I was in less pain with this gentle dance than I was when I tried to hold even the basic urdhva hastasana. That will be good information when I start teaching again.

So there I am, dancing on the side of the bed, oxygen tubing still attached, Reiki Jane sleeping with one amused eye open.

Two long mantras later I am ready to get up and move on.

This mountain can dance.

I Am The Mountain

I had to let Reiki Jane out to pee one more time before bed. It was so hard to stand at the door. Everything hurt. It felt like all my flesh, all the weight of ME was just going to be too much for my poor bones. The weight of ME was going to rip me apart.

Enough. If I have to stand here and wait for Jane I might as well do it with purpose. So I stood squarely on two feet, building the pose from the bottom, up. Each foot balancing on four points of the sole so that the arch is just right to support the lower legs, adjust knees, thighs, straighten spine, pulling tailbone down, front of body up, top of spine lifts with expansion of chest, shoulders roll up and back, neck adjusted. Then comes all the fine tuning. The mountain is never still. There are always micro movements as muscle and bone dance together, balancing energies in a performance billed as Stillness.

It feels good to stand in Tadasana. It’s been a long, long time since I have done so. Coming back to yoga after being so angry for such a long time is bound to have side effects like stiffness and loss of strength. But I am amazed at what my body does remember.

I am breathing in the pose, through the pose. I feel the breath as it moves through my body as if consciously finding its way to every starved cell, every neglected fiber.

Then all at once I am the breath. I am the mountain. And it’s time for Jane to come inside and go to bed.

That was my first step onto the mat, so to speak, even though there was no mat and it was dark and I was in my PJ’s waiting for my dog to pee in the rain and then come inside. Deciding to stand in mountain pose, to consciously build the pose and breath life into it as I go is the first real yoga-by-choice that I’ve done in a long time.

I should say it’s the fist Hatha yoga I’ve done. Because I never stopped chanting. I never stopped learning from my breath. But I had given up on Hatha yoga.

It’s good. This is good.

A friend uses a word instead,of a resolution each NewYear so I’ve been trying to think of a word to contemplate for 2019. I’d thought of the word encourage maybe because of the wonderful encouragement I’ve been blessed with this year. I thought I’d like to consider how to give the same gift to others.

I thought of the word love. I was in love and then crushed by the loss of it this past year. I was destroyed by it. And now I am coming back to life without the delusion that it was the Other that I was in love with. I have a lot to learn about love. So that is not my word.

Then I thought, what about mountain?

No.

What if I just say that I am for the next year and consider the power and all that is associated with those two words? Whatever I say after I am can change. I like that. But the core stays the same. I am.

Yes. That says it all for me.

I am encouraged. I am encouraging. I am loved. I am loving. I am love. I love you.

Storm

In this dteam I am a black woman whose wisdom has brought her to a place where she lives alone to come and go as she pleases. It is any town, USA.

She is not happy with something and she storms around slamming doors and wondering out loud what could possibly be the matter with everyone.

I just smile because I know we can always go talk to mom who knows just about everything about art and I wonder why she hasn’t been called yet. It starts to worry me that the other me hasn’t called her yet. “If I don’t get it right this time I’m going to really screw things up completely.” I thought

The edges of the room are dark. Now I’m only five and the black woman is gone. It’s just me and the shadows and Buck.

I’m tired of this dream. Time to wake up!

I’m tired.

Wake up. Wake up! Come on!

Wake the fuck up.

Reiki Horses

Someone rejected my Reiki treatment! I offered a treatment and the fellow said, “I’d rather not.”

It felt like he was rejecting my very soul. When what one is offering is only goodness and love it is hard to understand how it can be rejected. But I finally understood it this morning when I was talking to my friend, Wendy who owns Abrazos Adventures, a horse riding school outside of Portales, New Mexico.

She and I have been friends for ever and she has loved horses forever, But I have only been on the back of one of those horses one time and it scared me to death. So even though she knows that horseback riding can have huge theraputic value for a wide variety of people, she does not get upset that I do not want to ride a horse.

For me to get upset when someone does not want a Reiki treatment is like Wendy getting upset if someone does not want to ride a horse. There could be any number of reasons a person does not want to ride a horse and it is always a person’s right to decide for himself or herself to say “I’d rather not.”

So now I understand the neigh sayers. Haha.

Ring the Bell!

What have I done with my broken heart up to now? I GAINED weight, lost control of my blood sugar, lost my creative edge, lost my sense of humor, lost my song. I say enough! He has taken enough of my soul. I have given away enough. I have squandered too much. Let this bell ring for healing and peace.