Learn More About Alternate Mind States With Music and Fourier Transforms

When I first noticed a glitch in the space time continuum, I was in Jr High school. I went to class early one morning. No one was there yet so I sat on the steps outside the classroom. I waited for what seemed like 5 minutes before going in to take my seat. The teacher was there, packing books into her bag. “‘Bout time you showed up.” She said. I thought she was joking because I was obviously still too early as no one else was there. I felt the room spin. By the look on the teacher’s face I began to understand that the reason no one was in the classroom was because everyone had gone home for the day. Somehow an entire day had passed by and I had no idea where I had spent it. As far as I knew I was only waiting on the steps for five minutes. If I had been there the whole day someone would have said something. I must have gone somewhere, but I don’t know where. That time was just gone. I thought it was odd, but really I didn’t give the missing time that much thought. I didn’t think it was any big deal; I thought it probably happened to everyone. It was normal. It made me feel stupid, but it wasn’t so unusual. It got more dramatic as I got older. I ran away from a foster home once, disappearing in a cloud of road dust and waking up a month later living in the top bunk of a camper in Albuquerque. I couldn’t figure out where I was or who I was so I just faded into the black of my mind space and didn’t reappear until somehow I was in my hometown again a year ? Or some time later.Right before I went into therapy I was in the hospital, recovering from severe depression. I was almost catatonic I guess, I couldn’t move. A nurse brought a radio in and put it beside my bed. The sound from it didn’t make sense but it drew me towards it. After a time I reached out and touched it. I kept my hand on the radio for hours as if linked to a life line. After a day or so I was able to get up with assistance and go into the day room. I remember trying to make sense of the “moving noise”on the screen of the television. It didn’t mean anything to me and unlike the radio and music, the TV noise was uncomfortable. Let’s fast forward now to the year 1990. After a history of suicide attempts, I had been told that I had, what they called, at that time, Multiple Personality Disorder. I didn’t believe it. I thought it was stupid to think such a thing and that they were just making things up. I fought the diagnosis for quite a long time, but by 1990, when my last baby was born, I could not deny that I had a problem more serious that depression because when someone stopped me on the sidewalk to compliment my new baby, I could not remember being pregnant. For a very stressful afternoon I was terrified that I didn’t come by the baby I adored, honestly. (Even though I did, and have a whole pregnancy and family to account for her.) I decided to give Diepold, Jr. from Moorestown, NJ, a chance to show me why he thought I had the thing called MPD. Later on I worked with Elaine Predergast Paulson, also from NJ, who I continue to learn from to this day. She is a true treasure and a wealth of wisdom. One of the most valuable lessons she taught me was how to be present in my body with all of my senses. She literally helped me learn to make sense of of my life and to appreciate my body for the amazing instrument that it is. I am barely at the beginning of learning what this body/brain can do. There are several instances of events that show that I seem to to know more than I could have possibly known. There was a time in 1982 when I had the experience of being in two places at the same time. I was sitting in the cafeteria having lunch with a friend. I didn’t feel fully present. You know how it is when you just feel like you are not all there? So Wendy asked, “Well, where are you?” So I took a look around with inner vision and realised I could see and make eye contact with people in a place I would later learn was a street in Belize, which is where my estranged husband is from. I was able to describe in detail, a street I had never seen nor heard of. I told my husband I had dreamed it because I was worried he’d think it was just to weird to have that information out of thin air. Another sample is in an experience that unfolded over several days. But before we go there, let’s go back to 1990, to Dr Diepold’s office. He worked on integrating the different parts of my personality, or mind state system by building on my strengths first. He helped me find the strong parts of myself; he encouraged them to be present more and more. The strongest and most social part of myself was called Cat. Dr. Dipole would playfully call, “Here kitty kitty kitty” whenever things were getting too intense in a therapy session. To my surprise, Cat loved physics! I had no idea! I had four kids. I’d go home and sit on the landing and read college physics books to them as if I were reading some book of poetry or a great adventure. They listened fora little while just because I was dramatic. That is when I fell in love with Fourier Transforms. Now, to this day I have no idea how to use an FT other than to place it strategically in a poem to make the poem work. But intuitively I knew then and still feel strongly that these Fourier Transforms may represent an important function of our mind, of our brain, our neuropsychology. I think they some mechanism like the FT helps us switch or shift gears or whatever you want to call it when we jump instantaneously from one state of awareness to another. At time, whenever I switched,, I felt a “hard fluttering” in my eyes. I don’t usually feel that anymore. There is more fluidity, more open communication, more integration, which is the natural state of a better functioning brain. There were years, in the early part of therapy, that I couldn’t go into a grocery store on the meat side of the store. I avoided it. I could shop the vegetable side, but if I saw blood I’d have a panic attack. Yet, somehow, I cooked for my kids. So who went shopping? How did dinner get on the table? I don’t know. How did my brain scoot all that data around to allow a part of me to buy meat and cook it without another part of me knowing about it? That is a n example of dissociation. But what do we call the other example? When a person consciously experiences being in two places at once, how do we explain that with science? Both Dr Diepold and Elaine Prendergast-Paulson were convinced that it was more of an asset than a disorder for the mind to be able to compartmentalize severely traumatic events in order to enable to bear unimaginable pain and hardship. Now that I’m further along in my recovery I am having more and more of these “odd types” of awareness without having a clue as to what to do with the information. Sometimes it’s just fun and intersting to have information you don’t know the origin or purpose of. Today I saw a beauty painting on Facebook and as soon as I saw it I wrote a short poetic piece about it and shared it to my page. When I discoved the history os no doubt that he had been affected by his circumstances, even though there is absolutely no indication of it in his work until it is seen with the strange way of seeing beyond the veil. This is the painting and here is what I wrote about it. I don’t need to figure it all out. I need to do my best to be the best mother and grandmother I can be NOW which is no easy feat. And the ONLY way to do that is be myself. And that is something I am still learning to do. Meanwhile, I have a lot of things I’m curious about and Fourier Transforms, especially how they are being used in music therapy are one of them. Specifically, do our brains have a FT like function when we switch from one mind state to another? And if so, can we use sound to facilitate switching and integration? Now, while I say a part of me seemed to enjoy physics that does not mean that I know anything about the topic except that it makes good material for my poetry and it keeps me up at night wondering about the beauty of the world we live in. Music and sound is one thing that seems extremely interesting to me, but I am no expert! I need someone out there to take up the baton. The first time I went to Dr Diepold’s office he asked me what it would feel like to be be well and I sat on the edge of the sofa and told him that it would feel like I was “real in my belly.” I remember the feeling I had when I was about 8. We had gone to a symphony performance at the local university and as my class was filing into our row the orchestra started to warm up. I felt the music fill my body. I felt real in my belly. I felt as if my head and body belonged together. I have been trying to feel that way again, ever since. I have other questions about music and healing and the brain. I’ll save those for later. There are articles I would like to post on the topic. I’ll need to get permission to publish the links here. Meanwhile, I encourage you to look with me into healing with sound using FT and let’s see what we can drum up!

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