I didn’t mean to stray from the pack. I didn’t even know I was lost till I heard my people talking to one another and realized I had no idea what they were talking about. It sounded like a foreign language; it made me sad and homesick.
I am drunk on too much moonlight.
It’s so hard to close my eyes, even though I know it’s the thing to do. But, come on, have you heard cottonwood trees sing in the evening? Who could sleep after that? It’s like a theater full of performers huddled for the pre-show bonding exercises. You can feel the rush. It runs all the way up from the roots and it twists and swirls, rising, rising, till all at once every limb is shaking joy into every leaf. Tree exhales, we inhale: one breath.
It’s not the kind of thing that makes a fool sleepy. Instead, it is a wake-up call for the avid dreamer.
I’ve been lost for about 30 hours I think. I’ve been a wandering fool.
Once upon a time
When the windows of the world
We’re left open by mistake,
The cosmic wind blew in.
Well, when the wind blew out
It took seeds and seas and bumble bees
And cats with corduroy trousers.
It left the fools to figure things out,
To listen to wolves
And to wander about.
So I have been doing what fools do, quite happily, fully engaged in being the best fool I could be. I listened carefully and played attention when I was talking to butterflies.
Of course, one should always listen when a butterfly talks, so I was only doing as I should.
I play the fool a lot. Only I am not playing. I am serious about living this way and I don’t understand it when people try to change me,
But I digress!
What I am trying to say is that I’ve wandered away from my tribe, from my group and I’m lost. It seems like I have forgotten how to chant and meditate; I’ve become undisciplined. I have become UNACCOUNTABLE. Even if I chanted a few hours ago, in the green chair by the woodpile.
I can’t account for any lessons learned. There were no visions or miracles.
Well, that’s not entirely true. There was a miracle. It is in the early stages. I’ll tell you more very soon.
I guess if I had not wandered I would have missed this miracle altogether. So,
To wander is sometimes serendipitously beneficial. The is the story of my life. I’ve wandered from pillar to post in what seemed like complete chaos, but to the Divine Master, I have danced my danced perfectly well, always being right where I need to be when I am supposed to be there. I might have fallen and spilled my soup, but it fell into the bowl of a man who needed it more than I did. More than once, I stumbled and fell down a flight of stairs and landed in another time or space where the beds were softer or the poetry loftier than that of the world I left behind. I always end up learning the lessons I need to be learning no matter how well planned or how thoroughly chaotic my life has been thanks to the fool in me who can go with the flow.
But sometimes the fool is not so lucky, or at least the benefits are not so easily worked out, like when one gets lost, or even worse, when one loses another.
Oh! I hear them carrying on like a happy wolf family, yipping and howling, texting and chatting, posting those praying, namaste hands and red hearts and smiley faces, talking about some genius thing Ram Dass said.
And by my own fault, I’m lost, sitting on a rock in the woods eating wandaberries, my face stained with purple juice, an ant farm growing in my abandoned shoes.
I want to come hooooooooooooome. Do you have roooooooooooooom?
Can I bring my butterfly? My ant farm?